Weekly meeting of Music Junkies Anonymous

Hi. My name is Matt, and I’m a music hoarder.

(Chorus) “Hi, Matt!”

I’ve been hoarding music for years now. You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but it’s true. My family doesn’t know because I keep my home office clean and relatively tidy, my coworkers don’t know because my cube is immaculate and orderly, and my friends – well, they’re crazy - in a good way – and probably wouldn’t comment even if I dressed up in some wacky costume and danced the Karaboushka in public.

I’m very good at maintaining order and letting go of junk but – I just can’t do that to my songs (whines).

(Understanding nods and murmurs of encouragement)

Right? How can I just throw away memories like that? Like the song that was playing on my music player when the dentist was yanking a bad tooth. Or the Gaga one that the MC played because he wanted to see me dance like a pasty White Guy. Or the entire Eagles’ “Hell Freezes Over” album I played obsessively on that long-ass trip to Houston? These are key moments in my life, and those songs are touchstones to those moments. Oh, and don’t even get me started on that Taylor Swift song which is a real downer, but I liked it for a week and I can’t OFFEND her, can I? I mean, she could kick my ass if she found out…

Yeah, I know – when they come up on my Spotify “favorites” playlist, I always skip over them because, well, I’m bored hearing them, but still…I can’t, y’know, UNFAVORITE them, can I (sobs)? That’s like telling your best friend from kindergarten that you never want to see them again. It’s just RUDE! Hmmm…wonder what happened to Johnny, anyway?

So, anyway, I’ll deal with my 85,302-song playlists, dammit. It’s MUSIC! It’s the story of my life…or other people’s lives, anyway. Ones that I want to live. Oh, that reminds me, I need to leave now, because I’m late for my “Book Junkie’s Anonymous” meeting,

My name is Matt, and I’m a music hoarder.

(Applause)(Cheers)(Hugs)